Monday, March 01, 2010

Twitter hits 10 I give a twit

Ok I guess something twextwaordinary twappened twis week with twitter having 10 twillion tweets in the tweet o sphere. Well like they said in Gone Twith the Twind, "Frankly ho twitch, Hommie don't give a twat's ass." Yes, I saw the tweet ghetto version.

Do I tweet, Twell yea I do. But I twelly don't care about how twany tweets have been tweeted. It's kinda twike pissing off twe back porch. TwIt's fun, everyone does it as twuch as possible, but there's usually no one on the receiving end.

So I did some digging around and twound real tweet stats.

Official Twitter Stats:
Twitter People: 50 twillion
Tweets: 10 billion
Tweets Read: 56
Useful Tweets: 3

Back in twa day of being a Rock Star we twad our own version twof twitter.

here little birdie...

yes that's a bunch of infamous 4am fans ... uh tweeting 4am style!

Please (RT)
Follow me on Twitter @SirJager


Friday, January 15, 2010

US Government to develop CRAPNet

In an undercover investigation The Jager Gazette has uncovered documents that the government will begin to develop the Collection Repository And Pee Network (CRAPNet),  once new healthcare legislation is passed. This network will connect every toilet in the United States to CRAPNet and send the data directly to Washington for processing.

Dell and other technology manufacturers have already struck closed door deals to begin producing Smart Toilets and Urinals. Toilets will have fingerprint recognition on the handle and in public areas "users" will swipe their CRAPNet cards before doing their business. But smart flushers are only the beginning. Once you press that little lever, that's when the magic begins.

A CPU begins analyzing all wastes. Everything from your temperature to what you ate yesterday can be gathered and sent to the boys in DC. What will they do with all this new information?

Proponents claim they will be able to reduce obesity, prevent disease, and even keep tabs on criminals. Toilet paper manufacturers have been up in arms because the government now has a way to regulate TP usage.

Reid tells an executive from Charmin to back down
Nancy Pelosi was heard saying, "I don't think people would mind the government checking out their shit every now and then. We have a right to know"

Harry Reid comments, "As far as a person's privacy, once it leaves their body, it's in the public domain."

Even President Obama says, "CRAPNet will drive the United States into the 21st century. No other nation on the planet will have such a robust and feature rich network to collect human waste. Let me make myself clear though. This should, and must be, a bi-partisan goal of every elected official. Republican's TT is just as yellow as a Democrats."

Private Sector
Don't think the private sector is going to be left out. CRAPNet will be a private network just for those DC guys, but manufacturers also plan to include Internet connectivity to these new devices. No they will not be able to connect to the government "black boxes" locked in the toilets but they will open the door for many new gadgets.

Twitter and facebook are already creating small apps that will sense flushing and location. Be careful though. Don't let that tweet, "Looks like @John has diarrhea at La Rancho" or "@David clogged the toilet again" go out to everyone. Logitech is even getting in on the action. The government has already struck a deal to have webcams installed in strategic locations, but will allow 'limited' access to "bowl only" cameras.

A spokesman for Intel said, "Ten years ago something like this just wouldn't have been feasible. We just didn't have the processing power. Now we can process thousands of time more shit...literally!"


Saturday, January 09, 2010

Laahueser of the Week - John Kelso

Congratulations to John Kelso for winning the "Laahueser of the Week" Award. John wrote an great article titled "As far as rednecks go, Alabama may have UT beat."

John, obviously a Texas Longhorn fan, compared Alabama fans to The Beverly Hillbillies. He states:

"The only thing Alabama and Southern California have in common is that the Beverly Hillbillies ended up in Southern California"

John also makes reference to Alabama's "Crimson Tide". He mistakenly thinks this refers to the "red tide" which he believes is fish kill. It's actually a form of microscopic algae that is commonly found in the Gulf of Mexico. Again John states:

"In other words, the University of Alabama has a mascot named after a fish kill. So what do these Alabama folks bring to the games for a mascot? A bucket of dead carp?"

I'm no expert, but I'm not real sure carp live in the ocean. He also feels that we have an elephant for a mascot because "dead fish don't look good on a hat". Actually dead fish look great on a hat, I have two or three I wear all the time.

John's little rant goes on and on ending with a reference to the South's strong religious beliefs. He comments on the removal of "The Ten Commandments" from the Alabama Supreme Court as something from the "Bubba department". This inspired him to write his own Ten Commandments one being;

"Thy shalt honor thy daddy and thy mama, as soon as you can figure out who they are."

Response to John
NOTE: The following can only be read with a Southern accent.

Well John I'm not sure how much you know about Alabama or Alabama football but you certainly have an open invitation to visit our state. Hell, someone might even cook you up some hog jowls and chitlins and invite you into their double-wide.

You see, daddy and mama taught us to grow up by the "Good Book", that's the Bible to you, and we should respect one another. We may not had fancy cars or tall buildings like you city folk, but we can catch a crawdad in a crik, run a trot line, and yes we even knew a carp was a fresh water fish.

Aw I know you city kind like the hustle and bustle and all them lights, but, life here in Alabama is...well it's simple. We know our neighbor, not because they live 10 feet above us, but because we meet in the morning at the store for a cup of coffee. Usually the talk is about local news, a bit of politics, heisman trophy winners, national championships, you know the usual stuff.

We say things like "ya'll","fixin","God Bless You","Thank You", and "Amen". Our children say "yes sir","no sir", "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am". You learn that by gettin popped once or twice, yes once again by daddy or mama. We eat Bar'b'Que and drink sweet tea. Lot's of us even ride around with a "3" sticker on the back windshield.

As far as rednecks, we don't mind you callin us redneck. There's some comedian out there, Jeff Foxworthy, that even makes a living telling redneck jokes. If you can make a buck trying to be funny go ahead. You may want to do a little more research on what a redneck is because your jokes just aren't as funny as that Foxworthy guy. He's pretty funny. Keep working at it though.

Oh yeah, there's one other thing about life here in Alabama you need to understand. We know how to play football. Kids don't grow up picking a favorite team, they are born either Alabama fan or Auburn fan and as an Alabama fan I can certainly remember many times my "mama" took me to a game in Birmingham or Tuscaloosa. Also, football is a team sport here in Alabama. Yes I know Ingram won the Heisman and McClain won the Butkus award but both would be the first to tell you there are 11 men on the field. Some teams do feel that one player makes the difference in winning and losing and maybe that's the case. But damn son, we play in the S...E...C, and they hit juuusst a little harder than them other conferences. Most been puttin licks on one another since they could walk. So Alabama doesn't, ummm, how do I say it, "put all our eggs in one basket."

John, the last line of your article reads, "Roll Tide. Roll over and play dead." That's not really how it goes and if you knew anything about football in Alabama, you would never say Roll Tide unless you were a Alabama fan. While we are on the subject though another Alabama saying is, "Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer give em hell Alabama". We also add, "We - just - beat - the - hell out of you!" which you may have heard at the end of the National Championship game.

So John, take a few lessons in "class" from a very "classy" guy and great football player, Colt McCoy. He gets it. He's great at what he does and doesn't have to put down fellow players just to make himself look better.

And now John Kelso....
Drum roll please
I now knight you "Laahueser of the Week".

And just for future reference we go "cow tippin" not dynamiting fish.

another rant from

Feel free to read John's work and congratulate him at: 
John's Original Article
Email -
Phone: 512-445-3606


Tuesday, January 05, 2010

2012 - The End of the World

"That's great it starts with an earthquake..." so goes the song.

Many people think that on December 21, 2012 the world will fall into utter chaos or maybe time will cease to exist. A couple of things to consider;

1. The world is already in utter chaos.
2. The people who predicting the world to end are no longer with us. Unfortunately the Mayans were wiped out long ago. What good does it do to predict the end of time if you aren't going to be around to see it?

Another observation from the plateau...


"Lenny Bruce is not afraid..."


Saturday, January 02, 2010

WARNING - This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it!

It's 2010 people and you don't want to start off the New Decade being decommissioned. Learn how to pronounce "2010" and pass it along!

Say "Two Thousand Ten" just like "Two Thousand One"

Not "Twenty-Ten" or "Two Thousand and Ten"

Pass this on to your human or non-human colleagues.

"I feel much better now, I really do."

Spread the word
Join us on facebook


Sunday, December 20, 2009

Liberal Sports - Who would win?

If liberals played sports, would there ever be any winners or losers? If you base your thought on everyone is equal, as in those who make X amount of dollars should be forced to give up for those who do not, then this should apply to everything...right?

So in football, if one team scores a touchdown the other team should have one too. Actually a more accurate model would be to give your points to the referees who would distribute them accordingly.

Take it a step further. If one kid makes all A's, they should give away their grades to those who made F's. I mean why should my kids have to study?
Everyone should be equal... right?

Sponsored by
SirJager Football Predictions

Free preview...
2010 - Yale 9 - Harvard 9
2011 - Yale 3 - Harvard 3
2012 - Yale 5 - Harvard 5


Saturday, November 21, 2009

15 Yards plus a flag to the nuts

Well one Ole Miss Rebel got more than be bargained for on a pass interference penalty.

In the Ole Miss - LSU game, Rebel player Vaughn was covering pretty close on a pass. The LSU receiver missed the ball and Vaughn apparently thought he made a great play. The backfield referee decided it was pass interference on Vaughn and decided to add his own form of penalty.

Right after the play the referee "threw" his flag in the direction of the penalty. Vaughn was celebrating the play and caught the flag...uhhh...well let's just say there was another 'nut' on Vaughn's mind other than his coach(Houston Nutt).

I noticed Vaughn rolling around after the play but didn't catch what happened until they replayed the penalty in all it's glory in slow motion. And yes, those aren't just flags they are throwing. They have beanbags in the flag so they can chunk them twenty or so yards.

That's the first pass interference I've seen that was, "15 yards plus a shot to the nuts!".