Friday, January 15, 2010

US Government to develop CRAPNet

In an undercover investigation The Jager Gazette has uncovered documents that the government will begin to develop the Collection Repository And Pee Network (CRAPNet),  once new healthcare legislation is passed. This network will connect every toilet in the United States to CRAPNet and send the data directly to Washington for processing.

Dell and other technology manufacturers have already struck closed door deals to begin producing Smart Toilets and Urinals. Toilets will have fingerprint recognition on the handle and in public areas "users" will swipe their CRAPNet cards before doing their business. But smart flushers are only the beginning. Once you press that little lever, that's when the magic begins.

A CPU begins analyzing all wastes. Everything from your temperature to what you ate yesterday can be gathered and sent to the boys in DC. What will they do with all this new information?

Proponents claim they will be able to reduce obesity, prevent disease, and even keep tabs on criminals. Toilet paper manufacturers have been up in arms because the government now has a way to regulate TP usage.

Reid tells an executive from Charmin to back down
Nancy Pelosi was heard saying, "I don't think people would mind the government checking out their shit every now and then. We have a right to know"

Harry Reid comments, "As far as a person's privacy, once it leaves their body, it's in the public domain."

Even President Obama says, "CRAPNet will drive the United States into the 21st century. No other nation on the planet will have such a robust and feature rich network to collect human waste. Let me make myself clear though. This should, and must be, a bi-partisan goal of every elected official. Republican's TT is just as yellow as a Democrats."

Private Sector
Don't think the private sector is going to be left out. CRAPNet will be a private network just for those DC guys, but manufacturers also plan to include Internet connectivity to these new devices. No they will not be able to connect to the government "black boxes" locked in the toilets but they will open the door for many new gadgets.

Twitter and facebook are already creating small apps that will sense flushing and location. Be careful though. Don't let that tweet, "Looks like @John has diarrhea at La Rancho" or "@David clogged the toilet again" go out to everyone. Logitech is even getting in on the action. The government has already struck a deal to have webcams installed in strategic locations, but will allow 'limited' access to "bowl only" cameras.

A spokesman for Intel said, "Ten years ago something like this just wouldn't have been feasible. We just didn't have the processing power. Now we can process thousands of time more shit...literally!"


Anonymous,  January 16, 2010 at 7:42 AM  

Pelosi's fine with it because she's convinced her shit doesn't stink.

Who will be appointed the CRAP Czar, and how much in back-taxes will he/she/it (gotta throw that one in now that we have a transgender Advisor of Commerce) be found to owe?

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