Saturday, January 09, 2010

Laahueser of the Week - John Kelso

Congratulations to John Kelso for winning the "Laahueser of the Week" Award. John wrote an great article titled "As far as rednecks go, Alabama may have UT beat."

John, obviously a Texas Longhorn fan, compared Alabama fans to The Beverly Hillbillies. He states:

"The only thing Alabama and Southern California have in common is that the Beverly Hillbillies ended up in Southern California"

John also makes reference to Alabama's "Crimson Tide". He mistakenly thinks this refers to the "red tide" which he believes is fish kill. It's actually a form of microscopic algae that is commonly found in the Gulf of Mexico. Again John states:

"In other words, the University of Alabama has a mascot named after a fish kill. So what do these Alabama folks bring to the games for a mascot? A bucket of dead carp?"

I'm no expert, but I'm not real sure carp live in the ocean. He also feels that we have an elephant for a mascot because "dead fish don't look good on a hat". Actually dead fish look great on a hat, I have two or three I wear all the time.

John's little rant goes on and on ending with a reference to the South's strong religious beliefs. He comments on the removal of "The Ten Commandments" from the Alabama Supreme Court as something from the "Bubba department". This inspired him to write his own Ten Commandments one being;

"Thy shalt honor thy daddy and thy mama, as soon as you can figure out who they are."

Response to John
NOTE: The following can only be read with a Southern accent.

Well John I'm not sure how much you know about Alabama or Alabama football but you certainly have an open invitation to visit our state. Hell, someone might even cook you up some hog jowls and chitlins and invite you into their double-wide.

You see, daddy and mama taught us to grow up by the "Good Book", that's the Bible to you, and we should respect one another. We may not had fancy cars or tall buildings like you city folk, but we can catch a crawdad in a crik, run a trot line, and yes we even knew a carp was a fresh water fish.

Aw I know you city kind like the hustle and bustle and all them lights, but, life here in Alabama is...well it's simple. We know our neighbor, not because they live 10 feet above us, but because we meet in the morning at the store for a cup of coffee. Usually the talk is about local news, a bit of politics, heisman trophy winners, national championships, you know the usual stuff.

We say things like "ya'll","fixin","God Bless You","Thank You", and "Amen". Our children say "yes sir","no sir", "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am". You learn that by gettin popped once or twice, yes once again by daddy or mama. We eat Bar'b'Que and drink sweet tea. Lot's of us even ride around with a "3" sticker on the back windshield.

As far as rednecks, we don't mind you callin us redneck. There's some comedian out there, Jeff Foxworthy, that even makes a living telling redneck jokes. If you can make a buck trying to be funny go ahead. You may want to do a little more research on what a redneck is because your jokes just aren't as funny as that Foxworthy guy. He's pretty funny. Keep working at it though.

Oh yeah, there's one other thing about life here in Alabama you need to understand. We know how to play football. Kids don't grow up picking a favorite team, they are born either Alabama fan or Auburn fan and as an Alabama fan I can certainly remember many times my "mama" took me to a game in Birmingham or Tuscaloosa. Also, football is a team sport here in Alabama. Yes I know Ingram won the Heisman and McClain won the Butkus award but both would be the first to tell you there are 11 men on the field. Some teams do feel that one player makes the difference in winning and losing and maybe that's the case. But damn son, we play in the S...E...C, and they hit juuusst a little harder than them other conferences. Most been puttin licks on one another since they could walk. So Alabama doesn't, ummm, how do I say it, "put all our eggs in one basket."

John, the last line of your article reads, "Roll Tide. Roll over and play dead." That's not really how it goes and if you knew anything about football in Alabama, you would never say Roll Tide unless you were a Alabama fan. While we are on the subject though another Alabama saying is, "Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer give em hell Alabama". We also add, "We - just - beat - the - hell out of you!" which you may have heard at the end of the National Championship game.

So John, take a few lessons in "class" from a very "classy" guy and great football player, Colt McCoy. He gets it. He's great at what he does and doesn't have to put down fellow players just to make himself look better.

And now John Kelso....
Drum roll please
I now knight you "Laahueser of the Week".

And just for future reference we go "cow tippin" not dynamiting fish.

another rant from

Feel free to read John's work and congratulate him at: 
John's Original Article
Email -
Phone: 512-445-3606


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