Laahueser of the Week - John Kelso

Congratulations to John Kelso for winning the "Laahueser of the Week" Award. John wrote an great article titled "As far as rednecks go, Alabama may have UT beat."

John, obviously a Texas Longhorn fan, compared Alabama fans to The Beverly Hillbillies. He states:

"The only thing Alabama and Southern California have in common is that the Beverly Hillbillies ended up in Southern California"


John also makes reference to Alabama's "Crimson Tide". He mistakenly thinks this refers to the "red tide" which he believes is fish kill. It's actually a form of microscopic algae that is commonly found in the Gulf of Mexico. Again John states:

"In other words, the University of Alabama has a mascot named after a fish kill. So what do these Alabama folks bring to the games for a mascot? A bucket of dead carp?"

I'm no expert, but I'm not real sure carp live in the ocean. He also feels that we have an elephant for a mascot because "dead fish don't look good on a hat". Actually dead fish look great on a hat, I have two or three I wear all the time.

John's little rant goes on and on ending with a reference to the South's strong religious beliefs. He comments on the removal of "The Ten Commandments" from the Alabama Supreme Court as something from the "Bubba department". This inspired him to write his own Ten Commandments one being;

"Thy shalt honor thy daddy and thy mama, as soon as you can figure out who they are."

Response to John
NOTE: The following can only be read with a Southern accent.

Well John I'm not sure how much you know about Alabama or Alabama football but you certainly have an open invitation to visit our state. Hell, someone might even cook you up some hog jowls and chitlins and invite you into their double-wide.

You see, daddy and mama taught us to grow up by the "Good Book", that's the Bible to you, and we should respect one another. We may not had fancy cars or tall buildings like you city folk, but we can catch a crawdad in a crik, run a trot line, and yes we even knew a carp was a fresh water fish.

Aw I know you city kind like the hustle and bustle and all them lights, but, life here in Alabama is...well it's simple. We know our neighbor, not because they live 10 feet above us, but because we meet in the morning at the store for a cup of coffee. Usually the talk is about local news, a bit of politics, heisman trophy winners, national championships, you know the usual stuff.

We say things like "ya'll","fixin","God Bless You","Thank You", and "Amen". Our children say "yes sir","no sir", "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am". You learn that by gettin popped once or twice, yes once again by daddy or mama. We eat Bar'b'Que and drink sweet tea. Lot's of us even ride around with a "3" sticker on the back windshield.

As far as rednecks, we don't mind you callin us redneck. There's some comedian out there, Jeff Foxworthy, that even makes a living telling redneck jokes. If you can make a buck trying to be funny go ahead. You may want to do a little more research on what a redneck is because your jokes just aren't as funny as that Foxworthy guy. He's pretty funny. Keep working at it though.

Oh yeah, there's one other thing about life here in Alabama you need to understand. We know how to play football. Kids don't grow up picking a favorite team, they are born either Alabama fan or Auburn fan and as an Alabama fan I can certainly remember many times my "mama" took me to a game in Birmingham or Tuscaloosa. Also, football is a team sport here in Alabama. Yes I know Ingram won the Heisman and McClain won the Butkus award but both would be the first to tell you there are 11 men on the field. Some teams do feel that one player makes the difference in winning and losing and maybe that's the case. But damn son, we play in the S...E...C, and they hit juuusst a little harder than them other conferences. Most been puttin licks on one another since they could walk. So Alabama doesn't, ummm, how do I say it, "put all our eggs in one basket."

John, the last line of your article reads, "Roll Tide. Roll over and play dead." That's not really how it goes and if you knew anything about football in Alabama, you would never say Roll Tide unless you were a Alabama fan. While we are on the subject though another Alabama saying is, "Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer give em hell Alabama". We also add, "We - just - beat - the - hell out of you!" which you may have heard at the end of the National Championship game.

So John, take a few lessons in "class" from a very "classy" guy and great football player, Colt McCoy. He gets it. He's great at what he does and doesn't have to put down fellow players just to make himself look better.

And now John Kelso....
Drum roll please
I now knight you "Laahueser of the Week".


And just for future reference we go "cow tippin" not dynamiting fish.

another rant from
SirJager


Feel free to read John's work and congratulate him at: 
John's Original Article
Email - jkelso@statesman.com
Phone: 512-445-3606

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Gloria's Bridge - Ghost encounter #1

The year was 1984. Reagan was battling the Cold War, David Lee Roth was still in Van Halen, and SirJager went to Gloria's bridge.

What is Gloria's bridge? If you've ever thought of what a haunted bridge might look like, Gloria's bridge was it.

So the story goes...

Legend has it many years ago there was a car wreck on an old bridge and a young girl named Gloria was killed. Some say her body was never found. The legend also goes that if you call her name from the bridge she will appear in front of you.

Now, when a kid turns 16 and gets his driver's license, there are a few things on the to-do list. Aside from the usual, a haunted bridge twenty minutes away, was on the Jager list.

The First Trip
The moon is out, but it's still a dark Autumn night in Alabama. Four kids pile into a Pontiac Sunbird and head for the town of Sylacauga. We were given directions but still not sure we would find the bridge. Our trip carries us through the quiet town center passing an occasional group of high school kids hanging out for the weekend. We make our way out of town and down small winding Alabama "back" roads.

Eventually the there are no houses and no lights and for a group of teenagers, it's pretty creepy.

The Sunbird tape player is blasting out Queen's Greatest Hits as the road becomes barley wide enough for two cars. The Fall moon flashes behind trees as their arms reach over the roadway. Suddenly the tape player stops and quickly comes back on again. It does this one or two more times. We dismiss the event as coincidence.

Seconds later we come to a curve in the road. If you're not paying attention you will go straight into the woods and into a small stream. We make the sharp left and our headlights uncover the bridge. We stop.

Bridge similar to Gloria's bridge

About fifteen feet in front of us is an old wooden bridge. A support truss runs along the top and wooden planks run horizontally to make up the one lane crossing. This was it, Gloria's bridge.

We approached slowly not sure if the bridge would hold the weight of the car and to make sure a car was not approaching the bridge. As we slowly crossed we could hear each board clap in a rhythmic pattern. We caught a quick glimpse of the moon from the break in the trees that hung over the stream.

After crossing we found a spot to turn around approached the bridge again. This time we parked dead center turned off the lights and engine. The only sound was the dull sound of water slowly flowing fifteen feet below. If there ever was a haunted bridge, "This was it", we thought.

Following legend protocol we cracked our windows and called, "Gloria, Gloria, Gloria" and immediately rolled them back up. The moon slowly made it's way through the trees. The hill behind us was well lit but the woods surrounding is were dark black.

After an uneventful hour we decided to call it a night. Somewhat disappointed we made our way home thinking, "so much for Gloria's bridge". When we got home, however, our thought's would change...

Next post - Images, Are these real?

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Official SirJager Final College Football Rankings

Here is the final SirJager College Football Standings.

Here's the real deal people. No one has paid me off so here's the true unbiased rankings for the year!

1. Utah

2. Florida

3. Texas

4. T - Oklahoma/Alabama

6. USC 

Utah is undefeated. You really can't make an argument there unless you want a playoff system. Florida is #2 as they did lose to Ole Miss and the QB teared up during an interview. Oklahoma and Alabama tied at fourth. Again what can you say have a playoff system. Alabama only loss was to the #1 and #2 team and Oklahoma did hang with Florida.

The final game was not very impressive, at least through the first three quarters as I went to bed. I expected two power houses to come out and go all out for #1.

ESPN headlines had Florida as "Chompions". How long did it take to make that crap up? In the back of their minds they still want USC to be #1 but just couldn't muster up the kahunas to put them there this year.

Next year? Who knows. The only thing I can say is, I wish Boise State would get a new field. How annoying is that thing?

Final Note: Not happy with the rankings? I have a paypal account email me and I'll see what I can do.

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